No Such Thing

“Dominant” is a role ascribed to someone who gets fulfillment from taking the lead in sexual or non-sexual settings; they are an individual who enjoys the receipt of some form of power from their partner – be it the power to order their submissive to do various tasks, the power to physically hurt their partner, etc.

“Submissive” is a role ascribed to someone who gets fulfillment from ceding some form of power to another in sexual or non-sexual settings; they are the individual who enjoys giving up some form of power for their partner.

• Literally any sex, gender, race, ethnicity, age, height, weight
• Ÿ Can have a college degree (or many degrees), have no formal education (including high school), or have a mix
• Can be in poverty, living paycheck to paycheck, middle-class, or upper class
• Have a full-time or part-time job, be self-employed or unemployed
• Wants to be in a power exchange with another person

Submissives aren’t the apex of sexuality. They aren’t some sort of dispenser of gifts that grants the Dominant the glory of “owning” their submission. Power exchange is a privilege. This means that it can be revoked at any time (typically a gift cannot). It means there are criteria (read: boundaries, limits, negotiations) that are put in place to ensure that all parties enjoy the experience. This also means that Dominants have just as much of a right to walk away if it feels unsafe.

Submissives will prey on inexperienced Dominants just as much as the other way around. One of the biggest red flags in a submissive? Telling you what a real or fake Dominant is/does.

We are all learning and exploring. This is a journey, and there are resources and tools out there that can help you. This is wonderful and beautiful stuff, but FetLife is chock full of people who are going to try to tell you how it’s “really” done.

Do you respect consent, which includes the boundaries/limits of others?
Are you willing to do your own research and talk to other kinksters outside of Fetlife before exploring power exchange on your own?
Are you willing and able to use (and respect the stating of) a safeword?

Do you understand that no Dom/sub owes you anything?
Do you recognize that kinky people are just human beings?

If the answer to even one of these questions is “no”, I encourage you to figure out why, and to explore how you can get to “yes” within yourself before ever trying to be a Dominant or a submissive.

Power exchange involves two individuals – one who receives power from another.

And with great power comes great responsibility.

So if you’re new to this whole thing – from the 18-year olds to the 50-somethings, I

encourage you to do your research.

It’s not as overwhelming as it may seem; the basics are pretty straightforward.

Ÿ If it’s not consensual, it’s assault/abuse. Period. Understand what consent is, and how it plays into every facet of D/s before ever approaching someone or exploring this with your partner.

Ÿ Power Exchange takes trust. Trust takes time. If you really want to find a submissive or Dominant partner, you’ll need to be patient and sincere. This means approaching potential partners as you would a “normal” human being. Take time to get to know someone. Believe me, it pays off, and makes the exchanges you experience all the more

powerful.

Ÿ Use a safeword. A safeword can be “NO” as long as it’s understood that no actually means no. It doesn’t have to be “pineapple” or some obscure thing. This is a safety mechanism that’s in place not only for the submissive but also for the Dominant. We all get excited about this shit, but (hopefully) no one wants to harm their partner. To that end, normalize the fact that D-types can use a safeword just as much as the s-type. But that’s another writing.

Honorifics aren’t a given. Submissives by and large will take it as a red flag if a Dom demands that they call them an honorific without getting to know them and negotiating a dynamic first.

What does this mean? It means that they fuck up. If you meet a Dominant or submissive who claims to have extensive experience in kink, but has never made a bad judgement call or mistake on their journey, run away.

For many kinksters, learning happens in the real world, where people get hurt – whether intentional or not – hearts get broken, consent gets violated to various degrees, lies and cheating occur, and all the other stuff that comes with reality.

Submissives will prey on inexperienced Dominants just as much as the other way around. One of the biggest red flags in a submissive? Telling you what a real or fake Dominant is/does.

We are all learning and exploring. This is a journey, and there are resources and tools out there that can help you. This is wonderful and beautiful stuff, but FetLife is chock full of people who are going to try to tell you how it’s “really” done.

Do you respect consent, which includes:

• The boundaries/limits of others?
• Are you willing to do your own research and talk to other kinksters outside of Fetlife before exploring power exchange on your own?
• Are you willing and able to use (and respect the stating of) a safeword?
• Do you understand that no Dom/sub owes you anything?
• Do you recognize that kinky people are just human beings?

If the answer to even one of these questions is “no”, I encourage you to figure out why, and to explore how you can get to “yes” within yourself before ever trying to be a Dominant or a submissive.